Fact. Bro is awesome. He could totally thrash any villain that came his way ever, and he’s probably going to have a million movies made about him pretty soon.
Don’t tell him I said any of this, though. Okay? I have an image to maintain and I have to keep it cool in front of his face.
—I’ve got to talk to him about all this shit eventually, I just… haven’t yet.
Bro and I have a lot more to spread out on the discussion table than I ever imagined we would, and I may actually be forced to spend more than my usual five minutes speaking to him.
It’s been a while.
—Wow, what a… legitimately good idea.
—This is an old one.
I dunno, it’s probably considered porn in some country.
—
There is nothing magical about my charm, promise. It’s all natural, homegrown, insecticide-free charisma that’s apparently attracted you to me.
When I pull myself out of this hole, I’m gonna push for Tailorbird action figures.
Buy them.
Ideally?
Something like Tony Stark, but without the socially crippling alcoholism. In that same vein, I’d like to have an entire robot army instead of just our good pal Robert Downey Jr. in a suit of metal.
Realistically, I am probably going to be something like Tony Stark, with the alcoholism.
Whatever I’m doing in ten years, though, I’m going to be smoking hot while doing it. That is an undeniable fact.
—
Your stare at the ask in your inbox contemplatively, setting your drink to the side. So someone was finally asking you about Crockercorp.
You had a lot of opinions about the company. A lot of conspiracies that you knew were in fact, all true. You didn’t trust that damned name at all. And yet you really couldn’t say anything about them. For one thing, it was a powerful company, secondly, Jane was funded by them (a fact you hate greatly), and thirdly….
“theres sum shit goin on with that company you guys wouldnt evenbelive”
No one will believe a single thing you have to say about them.
It’s a useless venture.
No one wants to believe it until they see it with their own two eyes. Fact of life.
But Dirk, you may ask, how did you end up in a goddamn ball pit in the first place?
We all have our secrets, and we’ve all done things we’re not proud of.
I’m just thankful I didn’t get arrested.
—
Happy holidays, Bro.
We’ve got little cards on the flowers we sell for people who want to throw together really shitty bouquets without our guidance.
I’m personally more familiar with hanakotoba—that’s the Japanese system of flower meanings, for you baka gaijin—but I can read, so it wasn’t that hard to figure something out to send over.
Gladiolis and jonquils.
I asked him to give me a break and take my apology to heart, and…
You know.
If he likes me, that’s cool. I’d like to know it if so.
ball so hard motherfuckers wanna fine me
